By Logan Donnelly @KiwiDad
When Dad Returns To Work
As a new parent, life can be transformed dramatically with the arrival of your little one. It's an incredible moment, but it's not all cuddles and coos. The truth is the transition into parenthood can be tough. But here's the thing: you can make it easier.
Paternity leave is a gift that allows fathers to bond with their babies, but it's also a crucial time for the whole family to adjust to their new normal. The fourth trimester covers the first three months of baby’s life, but all too soon most couples face the harsh reality of one parent having to return to work. More often than not, it's the dads who are back in the office within a couple of weeks, barely enough time to adjust.
This sudden transition can be incredibly overwhelming and jarring for both the primary caregiver and primary breadwinner. I know this from personal experience. When my daughter Delilah was born, I only had two short weeks at home before I had to return to work. It was challenging. But I learnt a lot and came up with some useful strategies. Try them out for yourself.
Surviving the fourth trimester - Tips for new parents returning to work
Kia ora! As a new parent, life can be transformed dramatically with the arrival of your little one. It's an incredible moment, but it's not all cuddles and coos. The truth is the transition into parenthood can be tough. But here's the thing: you can make it easier. Paternity leave is a gift that allows fathers to bond with their babies, but it's also a crucial time for the whole family to adjust to their new normal. The fourth trimester covers the first three months of baby’s life, but all too soon most couples face the harsh reality of one parent having to return to work. More often than not, it's the dads who are back in the office within a couple of weeks, barely enough time to adjust. This sudden transition can be incredibly overwhelming and jarring for both the primary caregiver and primary breadwinner. I know this from personal experience. When my daughter Delilah was born, I only had two short weeks at home before I had to return to work. It was challenging. But I learnt a lot and came up with some useful strategies. Try them out for yourself. This video is based on an article I wrote over at
https://i3.ytimg.com/vi/cuguRotbHKE/maxresdefault.jpg
2023-28-03
PT6M10S
_KiwiDad
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuguRotbHKE
Be kind to yourself, expect drops in performance.
Decreased Output
- Did you know that the birth of a child has a massive impact on work performance? Studies have shown that in the first few months with a newborn, parents often experience a significant reduction in their work capacity. This can be frustrating and overwhelming, but it’s entirely normal. So, be kind to yourself and remember that you’re not alone (1).
Increased Output (Dangerous)
- On the other hand, some parent’s response to the challenges of parenthood is to work harder than ever before, in an attempt to regain a sense of control. This can quickly lead to burnout and exhaustion and has strong links to poor mental health (1). Be very careful with this.
How to mitigate the change
Let Your Boss Know
- If your boss is a parent, they’ll likely understand. But regardless, it’s worth letting your boss know when there’s been a few rough nights.
Sometimes a heads up of “I’m 100% committed to my job, but I’m not running at 100% today” can help a lot.
Guard Your "Yes"
- I’ve always been the kind of worker that just says “yes” when asked if I can do something and I struggled with saying “no”.
- This is the approach I took when someone asked if I could take on an extra project with a tight deadline. I’d have this ready to say “I’m still adjusting to being a new parent and don’t have my full bandwidth to take on additional work right now. Would it be okay if you ask someone else?”. It was uncomfortable to say, but I was surprised how often people understood and found someone else to complete the task.
Navigating Relationship Challenges
The impact of the fourth trimester on your relationship
- Did you know that over 79% of couples report a significant drop in relationship satisfaction during the first three months after their baby’s birth? (2)
- There are dozens of studies highlighting this drop. The good news? It’s temporary. But these statistics highlight the importance of proactively addressing relationship challenges as they surface to prevent any long-term negative effects or harm on your relationship.
Nurturing and Maintaining
The 10-minute tax
- I found the transition from work mode into parent/partner mode was quite tricky. But it’s important to separate work and home life. It let’s you be more present and reduces stress (1).
- One strategy that worked for me was the “10-minute tax”
- Essentially, before you walk through the door, you pull over, turn off your phone (if you can) and take some deep breaths. Tell yourself “My work hat is coming off; my home hat is going on. All the stresses of work are not welcome in my house.” Put your Parent-Hat on. Put your Partner-Hat on. Walk in and be present.
- Make sure your partner takes the tax whenever they go out as well!
Primary Caregiver Refresh
- Once you’re in the door, take pēpē away from the primary caregiver (in my case my wife Charlee) and tell her she’s on “refresh time”.
- This time is meant to be a break from everything.
- No chores.
- Nothing baby related.
- Ideally, it’s a walk around the block or a nice hot shower.
- For 30 minutes your partner gets to be a “non-parent”.
- This little bit of time will help both of you. Prioritise it. You will both be kinder for it.
Post It Note Appreciation
- You are both going to experience levels of fatigue you didn’t know were possible. This may (will) lead to argument
- Counter this by keeping a diary / notebook around. Jot down little things you appreciate about your partner whenever you get a chance. Ask them to do the same
- We used google docs and were both part of the doc. It’s nice to see this growing list of everything your partner appreciates about you and for you to take the time to be grateful for them.
Whether you're mum or dad, returning to work after having a baby is a major adjustment that can be challenging to navigate. Remember that you and your partner are in this together. The key is to maintain open and constant communication, even when it's difficult. It's important to avoid letting any negative feelings or resentments build up. When you feel your temper shortening, take a moment to regulate yourself and practice some self-care. Don't forget to appreciate the little things and express gratitude whenever possible.
Take things one day at a time and remember that you can both handle this new dynamic and will be closer because of it.
With teamwork, positivity, and gratitude you can successfully navigate and enjoy the fourth trimester.
Check out @_KiwiDad for weekly tips and tricks.
References:
1. Musick et al (2016) "The Impact of Parenting on Work Performance: The Moderating Role of Gender",
2. Mitnick et all (2009) "Changes in Relationship Satisfaction Across the Transition to Parenthood: A meta-analysis"