How Dads Can Help with a Newborn in the 4th Trimester

1. Quick Science Lesson

• Newborns do not realise they are a separate person to their Māmā (1)
• Māmā’s brain and hormonal system completely rewires itself during pregnancy and postnatally (Matrescence (2)
• Dad’s testosterone drops roughly 30% during the fourth trimester (3)

So, going into the fourth trimester we have a Māmā that is going through the equivalent of puberty condensed into 12 months (2), a newborn glued to their Māmā, and a Dad experiencing his own form of hormonal fluctuations. Whoa!

It’s crucial to have a clear understanding of what your partner expects from you and what you expect from your partner during this time. Fights occur when roles and expectations are not clear. Book a date night, grab a notepad, and outline what you think you’ll each require in these next few months. Here are some key points I figured out along the way. You can do anything Māmā can do (with the exception of breastfeeding). One of the most powerful ways you can help is by taking on the mental load. This is broken down into several key aspects.

Let’s get the boring one out of the way. Sit down and record all the usual household chores and responsibilities. Identify what key things need to be done regularly (dishes/laundry). For the next 12 weeks, you’re the lead on this. You are the project manager and project deliverer of your household. Be proactive.

Here are some practical examples:

• Washing duty (invest in a dryer if you haven’t already!)
• If Māmā is using bottles (expressing/formula) get into the habit of sterilizing gear so that some is always in rotation. A microwave steriliser is quick and easy to use. It will save you time and hassle compared to boiling all your bottles.
• Empty the bins (especially the nappy bin)
• Have a ‘baby bag’ and always keep it stocked with snacks, nappies, wipes, and a change of clothes (I’d go so far as to say 2x change of clothes… you’ll thank me later). We loved the Nappy Society Baby Bag Backpack

Now is a great time to set up a click-and-collect with your local supermarket.
Trust me, you will forget to do the shopping!

Some other things to keep on top of:

• Check and replenish baby supplies (nappies, wipes, formula if applicable)
• Or explore reusable nappies! Sounds like hard work right? But even using just one per day can help the budget and keep reusables out of landfill.
• Snacks and a drink bottle for Māmā (scatter across the house, especially if Māmā is breastfeeding. The easier, the better). Staying hydrated and fed is important for milk supply.
• Lunch/Dinners (go for easy wins that require minimal prep time)

“The days are long, but the weeks are short”

• Take videos and photos constantly (you always wish you had gotten more)
• Invest in some cloud storage and save all photos/videos there (iCloud/Dropbox)
• Get lots of shots of baby and Māmā (and yourself too!). So often, photos are only of bubs, even on those hard days, take a photo, you’ll look back and smile

Try to take the lead when it comes to meals. The key here is to go for minimal-preparation meals that still contain nutrition!

• Heat & Eat - Always have some pizzas or minimal prep oven food on hand. Likewise, if you’re cooking from scratch, double the recipe and freeze half for another day!
• Meal kits - If you have the means, purchasing meal kits can be beneficial. Look for 30 min and under prep time
• Meal prep - You’ll be amazed how far a big bowl of spag bol can go!
• Outsource - Whānau often want to drop off gifts, instead encourage them to drop off meals
• Takeout - Be careful with this one! It stacks up fast but sometimes is required

There are going to be times when you, your partner, or both of you are overwhelmed. When this happens, you need a circuit breaker, a way to reset.
Try to frequently do the below:

• Get outside! I cannot stress this one enough. Māmā should try to get outside daily and so should you. Using a baby carrier is a great way to walk hands free and also keep bubs close, especially when they’re still tiny. It’s also great for Dad bonding with pēpē.
• Go for a walk - Walking together is ideal, but if not try to schedule a walk whenever you can
• The shower reset - A long hot or cold shower will help reset your system or your partners
• Social media ban - Avoid all social media for a few days

I like routine. I like to get up in the morning, exercise, and do some yoga. Babies also like routine. Just not in the fourth trimester.
Trying to control things out of your control is a fast way to create problems. Instead, try to:

• Avoid fixed plans where possible
  - This isn’t always achievable but treat everything on a day-by-day basis (sometimes even hour-by-hour)
  - Don’t schedule that friend visit a week beforehand
• Zero expectations!
  - Don’t try to make things happen., iIf you planned a walk and it’s not going to work, that’s okay, accept it
  - Expectations = disappointment. Disappointment = resentment. No expectations for the next 12 weeks!
• No routines
  - I struggled with this one the most. Some nights you are going to be up at all hours of the night. So, if you have a set wake-up time… that might need to go on hiatus. Adjust daily.

You’re both probably entirely new to this whole parenting thing! The best thing to do is dive right in:

• Get involved with nappy changes and putting outfits on
  
• Bath or shower with your baby (it’s an incredible way to connect, and it gives your partner some reset time)
• Read, talk, and interact with your baby (they might not be able to interact back much, but they are taking everything in!)

These are just some quick tips to help you on your journey as a Dad!
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