The Toddler Sleep Problem
I am exhausted from my 3rd child's sleeping patterns which are never the same every night. At the moment (and he is teething - and obviously in a lot of pain with it - but even with medication still unsettled) first of all won't go to sleep, lies in cot screaming (tonight left him for couple hours going in every 15 20 minutes to lie him back down) and finally got him up for a play and instantly happy. Needs milk to settle so if I have to get him up (which seems to be a recurring theme in last 3 weeks) needs milk to resettle. Obviously if give him too much ends up sick!
Aside from not settling in last few weeks, can count on one hand the number of times he has slept through the night. He has a dummy and I have a few spare which I can give to him often which sometimes resettles him. Or a bottle. But if he still screaming often end up getting him up at same ungodly hour for hour or so, just so I can have some peace as he is a very loud screamer. But the norm would be for me to go in to him 3-4 times a night.
We also have a 3 and 5 year old and their sleeping habits are not great either and I often end up sleeping with them, so just getting truly exhausted waking to 3 kids. Can deal with the older 2 issues if I wasn't so tired. But just want some sleep so any easy fix solution during night for any of them is the norm - not a good situation but better than getting no sleep at all (though sometimes I do only get a couple hours).
Where does he sleep?
At home always in his own cot in his own room. I have never (not once since he was newborn) been able to get him to sleep in my arms or beside me.
Tell me about his daytime routine - ie what times does he have bottles/solids/sleeps/bedtime?
He wakes about 6-6.30 and has bottle milk in his cot (unless he had some during night) gets up for breakfast. Goes back down within 2-3 hours - with bottle - (depends on what sort of night he has had and how tired he is) although if am out in the morning he happy to stay awake until get home. Sleeps in morning 2-3 hours usually. Has lunch 11-12. Again depending on what sleep he has had in morning and what time he wakes from that, will have a shorter (an hour) sleep in afternoon - sometimes no afternoon sleep, which is not a problem as I really know when he is tired. Will sometimes give him milk later in afternoon to settle him if really busy and he grizzly. Dinner 5-5.30. Doesn't have bath every night but say about 4-5 times a week (and somwtimes during day rather than iin evening), just too hard to do when the "grumpy" hour and trying to pacify 3 tired grizzly hungry kids and my husband often doesn't come home till that bewitching hour (or 2) is over. Bedtime about 7-7.30 just when can see him getting really grizzly. Routine is PJ's teeth story and to bed with bottle. He is a great eater and above average little guy. Just started taking his first steps in last couple weeks and very active all day when he is up climbing and crawling etc.
Does he ever fall asleep while having his bottles, either in the day or at bedtime?
Goes to bed with bottle, finishes it but doesn't fall asleep drinking it. Will throw the bottle out of the cot and grizzle so I go in and put his dummy in.
How do you settle him for his day sleeps, at bedtime and during the night?
Day sleeps can tell when tired so will ask him if he wants milk, pick him up and put him to bed. After few minutes will go in and put dummy in. Bedtime for night described above. Settling during night is so changeable. Willl go and put his dummy in, if starts screaming again will give him more milk, if that doesn't settle him, try numerous dummy stops and sometimes after that will get him up. That is one of the frustrating things - every night can be different and just don't know what to expect. When he is teething (which seems to be quite frequently) is very unsettled for days, or even a couple of weeks on end. Pamol and bonjela don't seem to have much effect and when he wakes during night very hard to settle again, so often to save my own sanity will get him up where at least he appears to be happier (not screaming at least) and then tires himself out again and at least I can get few hours sleep. Though have had a lot of nights where I have been getting only couple hours sleep during these times and often lasting 2-3 nights in a row.
Does he use a dummy just to fall asleep or while he is asleep?
To fall asleep but when go to check on him before I go to bed, no longer in mouth
What times does he wake in the night?
Can really vary. Once falls asleep, will often last few hours, so say if goes to bed at 7 might start stirring about 10 (usually just needs dummy in) and then probably more often around 2-3. But as I say is so changeable.
What happens when he wakes? Ie does he grizzle/cry/scream? Is he fed when he wakes?
Cries which quickly turns into screams (and very loud!). Yes sometimes fed - refer above.
Is he swaddled or in a sleeping bag?
Stopped swaddling him about 8-9 months old. But never been a settled baby even when swaddling. The last couple of nights I have put him a bag (the one you tie under the mattress), I used for my daughter and is bright pink(!) so was reluctant to use it beforehand, but thought what the heck!!! Definitely seems more settled since I first wrote to you, especially actually going to sleep because can't stand. Also last couple of days has gone past the current teething phase so obviously bit more happier. But still waking few times during night and having to give him dummy or bottle, which is resettling him.
Does he move about in his cot? Kick off blankets? Stand up?
Prior to 2 nights ago (before sleeping bag) - yes to all
Does he have any sleep cues other than his dummy, eg fed to sleep, rocked, needs you there, mobile or music?
No, just me telling verbally is bed time and the bottle routine etc. Put him straight to bed close the curtains say goodnight and walk out.
Does he have a blankie or special toy that he always has at sleep times?
No though lately have seen him clutching the top sheet in his cot so ensure that is easily accessible to him. He does have a favourite toy and have put it in with him once or twice but throws it out, so don't bother anymore.
How do you feel about leaving him to cry? Have you tried it, for how long and what happened?
He is a really loud screamer. So is really hard to listen to him scream. Have certainly tried leaving him for say 15-20 minutes going back to lie him back down leaving him again etc for another 15 minutes, for 2-3 hours. Have tried this few times. Just screams louder and gets himself so upset - sometimes ends up being sick. And being tired myself, I just try to sort things out as quickly as possible so I can get some sleep too!! But any suggestions welcome.
Our recommended toddler sleep solution:
I think that you will be able to make a huge difference to your baby's sleep. There are a few key areas to work on, and once you have decided on a plan of attack, the nights should become easier very quickly.
For starters, make sure you close your bedroom door and Jarod’s door, so you aren’t woken by any grizzling or general sleeping noises. If you are using a monitor, turn it off.
Then it sounds to me like the key areas that may help you are:
-
Movement in the cot
-
Sucking association
-
Routine
-
Self-settling techniques
-
Positive sleep associations
Movement in the cot:
Moving about and standing in the cot is a really common reason for toddlers waking, and a key reason why he is has been hard to settle. This is a really easy issue to fix and it sounds like you have started using the perfect solution. I highly recommend the Babe Sleeper, and I’m delighted you have one to use.
I recommend you also use a warm sleeping bag inside the Babe Sleeper, so then you don’t need any blankets and your son will be snug all night.
Sucking association:
From your information, it sounds like your toddler has a strong association between sucking and sleeping, meaning he thinks he needs to be sucking his dummy or a bottle to fall asleep. So when he wakes in the night, he is looking for the sucking to fall back to sleep.
As long as you continue to give him a bottle in his cot or keep putting his dummy back in for him, you are reinforcing that association, and he will continue to wake in the night.
There are several issues to tackle here:
Always give him his bottle out of his bedroom, with a gap of at least 10 minutes from finishing the bottle to going into bed.
Don’t give him any bottles during the night, use a different settling technique rather than feeding him. He needs to learn that he can resettle himself when he wakes in the night, not that he needs a bottle to go back to sleep.
He is old enough to put his dummy back in himself. You can use a night light and put several dummies in his cot. Show him how to find one and put it in himself. Explain that you are not coming in to do it for him.
Make sure he only has his dummy at sleep time, and when you take him out of bed after a nap or in the morning, say ‘leave your dummy in your bed for sleeping’.
If he can’t learn to put the dummy in himself, then throw it away and teach him to settle without it.
I would also recommend changing his routine, see below. This will meant that you always have a gap between bottles and sleeping.
Routine:
This is absolutely key to getting an older baby or toddler to sleep well. Babies & Toddlers need to know what you expect and when you expect it. An effective routine will also make your days much easier, as you can plan when to go out, know when to have him into bed, and ensures he is feeding/has solids at the times that are most helpful with sleeping.
It can be a juggle with other children, but at least once he is in a set routine you know what you are dealing with and where ever possible you can fit other things around his routine.
As above, it will also ensure that you separate feeds from sleep times, which will really help break the association he has with sucking and sleeping.
It also sounds like he may be over-tired by the time he is going to bed. Following the routine below will help ensure he sleeps regularly in the day and is in bed before he gets grizzly.
I recommend the routines from ‘Save Our Sleep’, as they are simple to follow and work really well.
The routines change slightly every couple of months, so it is very handy to have the book. The book is excellent and also covers solving sleep problems. It covers babies up to 2 years.
Make sure you have a gap between your 6.40pm bottle and bed, at least 10 mins. So start earlier if you need to. Don’t have the bottle in his cot, better out quietly in the lounge, have a story, cuddle etc etc, then into sleeping bag and cot.
You may need to move his sleep times back gradually, such as 5-10 minutes later each morning. Or decide that you will start the new routine tomorrow and just distract him with a walk, bath or something fun like some water play until just before 10.15am. Have his day sleeps at 10.15am and 2.30pm
Also with his bedtime, make sure he is in bed and falling asleep by 7pm. If he is still hard to settle with the new routine and into bed by 7pm, look to see if there are any yawns or eye rubbing earlier than that, and put him into bed then.
Routine and consistency during the day is very important for babies and toddlers to sleep well as night, so I highly recommend you implement this routine and stick to it as closely as you can.
Positive sleep associations
I recommend you introduce some additional sleep associations for your toddler, so when he sees/hears particular things, he knows it’s time to sleep (and stay asleep). It’s essential that anything you use for a sleep association will be there if he wakes in the night, which is the key difference from a sleep association with sucking (which currently needs you).
Positive sleep associations can really help with settling at bedtime, night-waking, sleeping when you are out or in unfamiliar places.
The best ones are:
Sleep music –Try leaving a baby sleep CD on repeat quietly during the night. Music for Dreaming or Dreamland are both lovely. Use it just prior to bedtime to relax him and talk to him about listening to his sleep music.
Sleeping bag – the process of getting zipped into a sleeping bag every time you sleep quickly forms a clear message to babies it’s time to sleep, and also fixes the problem of movement and waking from cold. I recommend using a sleeping bag inside the Babe Sleeper, both for warmth and so you have something portable to take when you need him to sleep in the pushchair or away from home. Make sure you use your sleeping bag for all sleeps.
Comfort blankie – A little blankie or special toy is a great association with sleeping, and is great because babies and easily find/cuddle them in the night, plus you can take it anywhere. You can get him attached to one by getting it to smell like you (put it up your top for a few hours/overnight) and I recommend only letting him have it at sleep times. You could also try putting your PJ top or a T-shirt you’ve been wearing in his cot.
Self settling / sleep books:
It’s likely you will also need to teach your son some self-settling skills so he can fall asleep without you, the bottle or dummy. This will also mean he can put himself back to sleep after he stirs or wakes in the night.
If you have tried consistently leaving him to cry, and this hasn’t worked to teach him to self-settle, then the best option is the fabulous book ‘The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers & Preschoolers’ – this covers ending night feeding, weaning off dummies, needing parent with you to fall asleep etc.